Facebook just told me I’m 56 days away from Christmas.
Yet between now and then, I have eight more days to worry incessantly about whether I did the right thing in choosing to have a knee replacement before I was desperate. I have eight more days to clean my house so that people can come to help me after I come home from rehab and I won’t be embarrased by all my clutter. I have eight more days to make all of the phone calls for pre-certification and to find all the medical supplies I’m supposed to have. Like raised toilet seats for our three toilets. Like a bath chair. (I already have a walker!)
Like elastic shoe laces. OMG. Where does one find such a thing?
I should be doing my laundry and putting it all away. I should be cleaning out my file drawer so that I can file away the current set of insurance nightmares before I start on the next set from my surgery. I should be cleaning the bedroom with the low bed in it so that I can get in and out of bed when I come home from rehab.
I should be going to the gym.
Should. Should. Should. It’s drumming in my head.
And then I open Shauna Niequist’s blog post for today entitled SHOULD is a warning.
Should is not good for my spirit. Should is making me unhappy and fearful — and a little angry with myself.
Unfortunately, I still have to do these things but I have to figure out a way to make them happy rather than sad. Make them want tos and not shoulds.
Like Shauna, I decided that it was important to say it out loud that I’m scared of shoulds. I want them to become wants.
I need to change my perspective on my next fifty-six days; by Christmas this will all be behind me and I will be ready to do things I haven’t been able to do in years.
I want to be able to climb down a hill without hanging on to someone’s arm.
I want to be able to climb to the top of St. Paul’s Cathedral and know that I can get back down.
I want to do the Halloween tablescape I’ve been planning for months.
I want to get my books in order so that I have plenty to read while incarcerated in rehab.
I want to start to plan Christmas decorations and meals.
And I want to go do my laundry. Thanks for listening!
Postscript on October 30: Big thanks go out to Kim from Curtain Queen Creates who sent me to a local big box shoe store where I found PINK elastic springy shoelaces. I never shop there because I’ve been wearing the cutest orthopedic shoes I can find for years and they don’t carry such a thing. And yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, but hope springs eternal!